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June 5th | WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO YOUR EX RIGHT NOW?
Rick hosts a tell-all episode, inviting listeners to call in for a little divorce closure. If you’ve ever wanted to say something to your ex and never got the chance, you have it now. That’s right folks, Rick invites listeners to let the world know what they’ve always wanted to say to their ex – whether they’re listening or not. And no sooner did Rick introduce his studio guest and good friend, Spiritual Psychologist Evan Daily, the lines lit up with callers wanting to let it all out. They express themes of both regret, anger, and the opportunity to move forward with a deeper awareness of how to become better partners in future relationships. The common thread, says Evan: the desire for their former partner to speak to them and about them respectfully in front of and away from the kids. [smart_track_player url=”//securemedia.iheart.com/media/station_content/676/2016/06/mp3/default/divorce_talk_radio_0_1465215633.mp3″ title=”WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO YOUR EX RIGHT NOW?” artist=”Rick M Goldberg | June 5th 2016″ image=”https://rickmgoldberg.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/player_picture_rick.png” color=”#454545″ social=”true” social_twitter=”true” social_facebook=”true” social_gplus=”true” view=”mobile” social_email=”true” ]
Rick: Welcome to Divorce Talk Radio everybody. Happy Sunday. My name is Rick Goldberg and I’ll be your host for the next hour. The subject is divorce. And if you’ve ever gone through a divorce, you’re going through a divorce now, or if you’re even thinking about divorce, I assure you the next hour will bring some really big insights to you.
We have a really unique theme today. And if you’re listening – if you have ever wanted to say something to your ex and never got the chance, this is your opportunity to call in this morning and say something what you’ve always wanted to share with your ex whether they’re listening or not. Our number this morning is 713-212-5950. And sitting with me as usual is one of my best buddies, Michael Garfield. How have you been, mate? Are you staying dry and sweet?
Michael: I tell you what. I almost had a boat to get here. This place is saturated but it’s always sunny on the radio is what I say. I hope everybody out there is dry because this has just been a crazy extreme of weather.
Rick: It has been crazy but you know what’s exciting? Did you see the reviews of the show from last week?
Rick: It’s amazing.
Michael: Yeah, and congrats to you. Is it two months we’ve been doing the show?
Rick: Two months and the number of people listening, it’s astonishing. And so, I’m committed to making sure that we cover as many broad issues as possible and bring some unique guests and I want to say entertainment but it’s entertaining from a standpoint that we can all learn and grow from what we’re hearing from other people sharing.
Michael: I like that. By the way, I’m going to put a precursor because I’m kind of on the radio guy sitting in here even though you’re the real host of the show. I love the theme today. If you could say anything that you want to to your ex, 713-212-5950. I have to put a disclaimer. The FCC is listening. So easy does it people of what you say with maybe the four-letter words. But I understand, Rick, what you’re trying to say. I mean in terms of feelings. You don’t need to cuss them out. Actually, we could beat them out but don’t even go over that way. But it’s a really interesting way to vent, for lack of a better term.
Rick: It might be venting and it might be just some real sincere words of gratitude that you might want to say as well. And I’m really excited today because one of my bestfriends and a therapist who practices up in Jackson Hole, Wyoming is in the studio with me today, Evan Daily, a great therapist, specializes in the area of spiritual psychology which as Evan told me, is basically everything happens for a reason so you might as well figure out the gifts of why it’s happening to you as opposed to all the negatives associated with it.
But Evan, I really want to thank you for coming on the show with me today.
Evan: Great to be here, Rick. Great to be here.
Rick: What do you think about this topic? Do you have couples come in to your practice and deal with this issue every day?
Evan: Absolutely. Who doesn’t have something to say to one of their exes, divorced or not? And even just breaking up from that long term relationship without marriage could be as painful for some people as going through a divorce.
Rick: Yeah. What are some of the things that you hear in your practice?
Evan: A lot of people carry a lot of grudges. Unfortunately, most of the stuff that people are sitting with is painful, things that they would like to say that they don’t believe their partners already know or had heard before. And every now and then, there are people that have a lot of gratitude for what they’ve learned they can apply that they don’t want to repeat again in the next relationship.
Rick: Well, that’s – I think you’re absolutely dead spot on. Why don’t we go to one of the lines? We’ve got a caller, right Michael?
Michael: Yeah, we do. May I remind everybody, it’s 713-212-5950. The question of the day, Rick, if you wanted to say almost anything to you ex, what do you got for us? And we’re going to start this morning with Mark. Mark, good morning. We welcome you to the show.
Mark: Hi, good morning.
Rick: Hey Mark, this is Rick. How are you?
Mark: I’m doing well this morning.
Rick: Good. Well, thanks for calling in. I really appreciate it. You’ve been listening, you hear the theme. What do you have to say to your ex? And then we might get into a little bit more back story. But if you just had – if you want to let it rip right now, Mark, what would you want to tell your ex?
Mark: Well, I think what I left was contempt in my marriage and I feel like I was not appreciated and I was taken for granted in a lot of my marriage. So I have some contempt I guess I want to say.
Rick: And when you say contempt, what are you really saying when you use a word like contempt?
Mark: Well, I’ve got mixed emotions. I’ve got good feelings of course but the bad emotions are I feel like I was used to maybe abused, taken for granted which I think can happen in a lot of relationships. But for me, it just left me feeling like I pulled away and needed something else because I felt alone. I felt like I was roaming alone on this marriage.
Evan: So Mark, if there was something that you could say that would allow you to feel freer to move forward like you could set some baggage down? If there was a headline, what would it be in terms of what you would tell your partner, your ex?
Mark: That I’m sure I took her for granted as well as she took me for granted but that we shouldn’t take each other for granted because in the end, everything matters and we shouldn’t – nothing lasts forever. And I think sometimes when we’re in the middle of marriage, we feel that we’re invincible that this was going to last forever. And you look back on it and think, “Gosh! Would I have acted that way if I had known it was not going to be forever?”
Rick: Good point, Mark. Hey, is there anything that you would have loved to have heard from your partner that you never got to hear?
Mark: That’s an interesting question. I guess at the end, she told me things that I wish I would have heard during our marriage. She told me that she was grateful that I was a good provider for the family, that I always took care of her family. As the male of the family, I was happy that she respected me and actually could say those words to me because I didn’t really hear that while we were married. But she was very grateful for at the end.
Rick: That’s wonderful. That’s wonderful. So how many years have you been divorced now?
Mark: I think it’s five.
Rick: And are you using some of the tools and the learnings from that relationship with any new relationships now as far as being taken for granted and being a little bit more open eyed and awake as you move forward with your new relationship in that area?
Mark: I’m trying. I’m trying to realize that things may not be forever as I once thought they would be and that we have to try to appreciate things. Live in the moment so to speak and be more patient with your partner and understanding I guess.
Evan: That sounds like gratitude, some things you got to be grateful for.
Mark: Yes, there you go.
Evan: Yeah. So again, I’m curious about the contempt part. I don’t know if you skipped it over that but could you say more about what you have contempt about in terms of what didn’t get said in the relationship?
Mark: Explain it again. I don’t understand.
Evan: What is the piece that may have caused you more pain and suffering as opposed to the piece that caused you to feel more gratitude and appreciation that hasn’t been said that you might not have completed the loop on with her?
Mark: Well, I think as the marriage went on, we had what I would consider a very good marriage and I feel blessed and grateful for my marriage and so very happy in the marriage. But as time went on, I felt that there were less and less of those intimacy times. The intimacy was falling down and I wasn’t appreciated for the way I was originally I guess. Does that make sense?
Evan: Yeah, that does make sense.
Rick: So if your wife was here right now, parting shot having now been divorced for five years, taking the learning that you’ve gotten, how would you like to – what would you like to tell her right now as a parting shot?
Mark: I like to tell her that I loved her very much and I know that she loved me very much. And I think that we are a lot younger and we were caught up in raising kids and we were busy with our lives. And I wish we would have slowed down and appreciated one another and the whole situation for what it was.
Rick: Well Mark, thanks so much for calling in this morning and setting the standard for other listeners. Once again, it’s KPRC 950, Divorce Talk Radio with Rick Goldberg. Call us, 713-212-5950. We’ll be back right after the break.
Rick: Welcome back to Divorce Talk Radio everybody. This is Rick Goldberg. Happy Sunday to you. We are talking all things divorce and that song just reminds of how important forgiveness can be. And I know in my practice, I run across so much adultery and so many people that act out in the relationships and forgiveness is really critical.
Michael: Got to get down to the heart of the matter. Thank you very much, Don.
Rick: Yeah, thank you Don. And in the studio with me today is one of my bestfriends and a terrific therapist in his own right, practices up in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, he’s in Houston, Evan Daily. Evan, what do you think of our last caller with regards to his feelings about contempt and such? Do you run into that a lot in your practice?
Evan: A lot of people believe that unless they have the opportunity to say or be heard with an ex that they just don’t feel complete. It’s difficult to move on and to get past the relationship. There’s unfinished business. And like you said, that leads to contempt which turns into resentment and it’s really toxic and boy, in a sense, really disempowering.
There are lots of ways and processes that we have in mental health and psychotherapy and counseling for people to journal and burn letters and in spite of not having the opportunity to speak to somebody face to face. So it’s all about release and ultimately forgiveness and moving on.
Rick: Well, we’re going to go to another caller. Michael, who do we have?
Michael: Well, before that, I want to make sure that everybody knows the phone number. By the way, this is talking divorce with Rick Goldberg. There’s Rick Goldberg over here. Michael Garfield, just kind of keeping things light and tight when it comes to the phone calls, 713-212-5950. And the theme today, if you’re just tuning in, happy Sunday morning to you. Hope you’re high and dry.
If you could say anything to your ex, what would it be? And I remind you, keep it clean people because the FCC is listening. At this point we want to say good morning to Brian. Brian, we welcome you to talking divorce with Rick Goldberg. How are you?
Brian: Good morning. I’m fine. How are you?
Rick: Hey Brian, this is Rick. Thanks for calling the show this morning. How long have you been divorced?
Brian: It is four years this month.
Rick: Four years, well, June, big month for you I guess four years ago. Yeah?
Rick: So if your ex was listening right now and you didn’t have to hold back at all, what would you want to tell her? And it could be the good, the bad, the ugly but why don’t you just start on the things that you’ve been holding on to that you’d really like to just release and put out there?
Brian: I think really the most important thing is we have two beautiful boys that came out of our relationship to remember that it’s really important for us to have a good relationship, she and I, as their parents. And to remember that my relationship with is still very important even though I’m no longer in the home and to foster that relationship.
Rick: I got you. Were there some times where you were struggling with maybe that respect that you judge that you were entitle to?
Brian: Yeah, I think so because respect is a big thing for me and I make sure that the boys respect their mother with the way that they talk to her and treat her and act with her. I think that’s very important. And sometimes I felt that it wasn’t reciprocated.
Rick: So what else maybe on the – so from a gratitude standpoint, and maybe even a forgiveness’ standpoint, is there anything else that you might like to share with her if she could hear you?
Brian: Yeah. I think the way that the – there are a lot of regrets with the way that the marriage ended. We are married a long time and I think just simply I’m sorry for the way that it ended. It never should have ended that way and I’m just very sorry that it did.
Rick: Brian, I really appreciate you sharing. It may sound like really simple and really subtle but when you share like that, a lot of our listeners who are hearing it, those are exactly the kind of words that I think that they sense that they would be saying. So when you’re doing your work here with us and sharing like that, you’re really doing the work for a lot of people out there. So I really appreciate you calling this morning.
And we’ve got another caller.
Michael: They’re lining up for you, Rick, over here talking divorce with Rick Goldberg on a nice Sunday morning, 713-212-5950. We got Jessica. Jessica, good morning. We welcome you to the show.
Jessica: Good morning.
Rick: Hey, Jessica. How are you doing? This is Rick. How are you?
Jessica: I’m doing well. How are you?
Rick: Good. And where are you calling us from this morning?
Rick: California, that’s great. Just wanted to be able to show that our iHeartRadio app, you can listen to the show all around the country, so that’s fantastic.
Michael: I want to go to California. It’s not raining there.
Rick: So Jessica, what would you want to tell your ex if he was here listening right now?
Jessica: Yeah. The first thing that I would ask – I want to say is be a better man for our son. That coupled with asking him to stop directing his anger towards me that comes from who knows where but it’s often directed at me.
And then the other thing would be and this has catch up on a bit but to consistently and always speak to me with respect particularly in front of our child.
Rick: Are there times where he hasn’t been doing that?
Jessica: Certainly, yes. And that has been very tough and I’ve gotten better at setting boundaries with it. But for example, if he does it with all those media like if he does it on FaceTime and say, “OK. We’re not going to have this conversation right now.” And at different times, I have to hang up if our child is present. So yes, it certainly happened over the last couple of years and it has been tough because I believe that our children learn how to speak to their parents, their mothers, other people through what we model.
Rick: When you say you want him to be a better man for your child, tell our listeners what you mean exactly by that.
Jessica: Well, in particular, with regards to his integrity and the lack thereof ultimately in our relationship. So I just – I want him to be a man of integrity, to be an honest man, to teach our child those elements, to really learn to put the child first instead of himself.
I can’t say that he doesn’t do some of that. He certainly does. But just really stepping it up in that regard would be my ultimate wish.
Evan: And that sounds like a really positive intention to set for yourself and for your children’s father and moving forward. And again, I’m wondering if there is something that you’re carrying that has remained unsaid that isn’t really serving you that you might not have had the opportunity or the courage or just taken the risk to say to your partner that would give you a greater sense of freedom. And even being more available to be present in a deeper and more loving way in your next relationship in terms of getting closure as opposed to how you want to be moving forward in relationship to you kids. Is there something just for you that you’ve been carrying in a tender place that hasn’t been said?
Jessica: Yeah, that’s a great question. I feel like some of what we’re discussing I have said to him. In some cases, I’ve said it repeatedly. It seems at times to be heard, at times to fall on deaf ears. But is there something deeper that I’m carrying?
Evan: That’s keeping you from being free and feeling more available to move forward in your life lighter?
Jessica: Probably just reemphasizing with him that I am complete and I am moving on. Sometimes it sort of comes out that he seems to think maybe I’m hanging on or pining, and that’s no longer the case. To just totally make that clear to him would be helpful.
Rick: Jessica, thanks so much for calling in to the show and for listening all the way up out there on left coast, really, really grateful. And I’m so glad that you were able to share, a lot of gratitude.
Michael: Halfway to happy hour here of talking divorce with Rick Goldberg. My name is Michael Garfield. Evan Daily also joining us. 713-212-5950, if you could say anything to your ex, what would it be? We’d love to hear.
Rick: Happy Sunday everyone and welcome back to Divorce Talk Radio. I’m Rick Goldberg and I’m hosting. We are halfway through our show this morning. Another 30 minutes to go. With me each week is Michael Garfield and in the studio with me today is one of my good friends and therapists from Jackson Hole, Wyoming who is in Houston over this weekend, Evan Daily. Evan, that was a really profound call that we just had. What do you think?
Evan: I loved it. Divorce is just another opportunity for people to go through the experiences of grieving, anger, bargaining, everything that people go through and adapt. And we saw a lot of it in that conversation with her in terms of where she’s at, where she’d like to be, feeling lots of love, feeling lots of hurt. Beautiful.
Rick: You and I have discussed this before. In fact, at dinner the other night we were talking, my view is that you should be able to tell your partner anything and everything in the spirit of authenticity and transparency. And you have a little different view on that. You think there are really some things that you should really keep to yourself. Why don’t you share what that is?
Evan: It depends on the emotional maturity and confidence and capacity of our partners. Not everybody can handle everything all the time. Sometimes we’re just a bit more vulnerable or feeling a bit more needy and we need to hear really positive things that lift us up and support us. And other times, we can handle the truth. I think we all believe that we can handle it and that we want to know it but that’s not always true all the time. So I think it’s important to be delicate.
Michael: Nothing like waking up on a Sunday morning listeners to talk about the five stages of grief. But if you have to, this is the place to do it at Divorce Talk Radio with Rick Goldberg. Here’s Rick and Evan also here in studio. My name is Michael Garfield just kind of working the phones and keeping everybody on time. Love the topic today, Rick, that you threw out. If you could say anything to your ex, what would it be? Open phone lines. Keep it clean people because the FCC is maybe listening too at 713-212-5950.
Why don’t go we go to these phones right now? And we want to say good morning to James. James, how are you? The game is in the studio. Where are you calling from?
James: I’m calling from New Orleans, Louisiana. How you all doing, fellows?
Rick: Hey, James. We are doing great. Thanks for calling. Where are you picking us up in New Orleans from?
Michael: Oh, we love it! Another app. Another app user.
Rick: So James, what are you – are you sitting up on anything that you want to share with our listeners today and just get off your chest?
James: You know Rick, thanks for asking. I am. I’m just going to give you some data. I’ve got two beautiful children, a 21-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter, both from different relationships. I’ve never been married. And those relationships lasted quite a bit of time. We spent a lot of time learning and growing from one another.
And now that I have some distance from both of those relationships and we are co-parenting, I’ve been given an opportunity or I’ve given myself the opportunity to take a look at my part or as I see my part in those relationships’ successes, areas that I could have done better and then the same for my children’s parents.
And so, really most importantly first thing is I’ve got gratitude for both of the mothers of my children for being great moms and showing up for my kids. That’s first and foremost.
Rick: That’s great. Just having a co-parent that stays in the game is fantastic because they all don’t.
James: I agree. They don’t.
Rick: So what else? You also mentioned that there are some things that you knew that you could have done better and I don’t want to let you forget about mentioning that. But what else do you have on your mind?
James: Well, so for instance, apart of it Rick is the fact that identifying where I could have communicated better, listen in my part of communication, the listening part and truly doing whatever work is required to share what they were saying not just verbally but emotionally and psychologically. And so, that’s a part of my process.
On their side, I believe it’s very similar except I – in both instances, I believe that both my children’s mothers were afraid and because of their fear reacted.
Rick: What are they afraid of, James?
James: Well, I think they are afraid of losing control of their situation. I was the primary provider for our family and when we were separating, I believe that they got – became afraid of the unknown, of how they were going to survive. And that being said, they reacted – it’s my judgment that they reacted and they reacted negatively towards me by threatening me with my time with my children, threatening me with not having the same what I consider rights or access to my children based on what the court system would allow them to do. Basically on becoming primary caregivers, me being a secondary or custodial parent, et cetera, et cetera.
So that part of it, the topic here is what would I say?
James: I would say – go ahead.
Rick: No. I was just wanting to bring you right back to that. You shared some fantastic, I think you called it data. You shared some really good data around the story and where you’re at. So if you had a chance to say something to one or both of your exes, what would it be?
James: It would be that I’m angry or that I was angry at the fact that they didn’t spend whatever time was necessary for them to step back and look at the importance of the relationship that me, the father of their children, has the relationship that they could foster. And by their reactions and them not doing what they could have done to work for themselves, inside of themselves, they would have potentially have been able to lessen the burden on the relationship between myself and my son and myself and my daughter. And so I’m angry.
Evan: Yeah. And if you can distill that down into a headline in ten words or less in terms of the message that you could impart or might have been able to impart to them in a way that they could have heard it, what would that be? If you’re going to break all that down, what would you really want them to feel and experience underneath the fear and the resentment and the control?
James: Well, that’s a really good question. It would look something like this, “I feel safe with James as the father of my children.”
Evan: Got it. And how does it feel just to imagine hearing that from them?
James: Incredible because the possibilities are endless.
Evan: Right. Right. Right.
James: The access would have been endless.
Evan: Yup. And so I’m wondering how much of that has set you up in terms of how you move forward in relationship with other women in particular around that piece that you’re carrying and how much your behavior might be motivated by trying to compensate for that sense of trust and safety and security and your abilities as a father and partner, the thing that drives the bus for you at all?
James: For sure, that’s another question. And I’ll tell you that for me, the answer is that spending time, getting to know a person from a more emotionally aware and more emotionally intelligent perspective has been a driving force for my relationships since then. And I’ve had some great success with it and I really do credit those two relationships with giving me the opportunity and the gift to be able to move forward with a deeper connection and a deeper awareness of how, where, why, what I can do and what I can expect from potential partners. They’ve offered me that.
Rick: Awesome. James, I want to just really thank you for the courage the call into the show and share like that. You sound like a very transformative and enlightened individual. How has that experience and then we’re going to go a break and just like Evan said before, just give me a headline, how has that experience that you’ve gone through, how has that made you a better man that you are today?
James: You all are hitting the questions out of the park with a good question. It has created a level of personal security that I have not had previously.
Rick: Got you. Well, hey James, thanks again for calling. I didn’t know we are reaching New Orleans so that’s exciting. Anyway, stay tune. We got one more segment left here on Divorce Talk Radio KPRC 950.
Rick: Good morning everyone and welcome to Divorce Talk Radio. This is Rick Goldberg. This is our final segment. If you’ve been listening to the show this morning you can get a sense that we have a little theme going. The theme is what would you want to say to your ex if you had an opportunity to?
And with me in the studio this morning is a therapist and a good friend of mine, Evan Daily. Evan, have you been noticing a theme from our callers this morning?
Evan: There’s a theme here. Everybody that has called in so far has children and they’ve all expressed how important it is to feel that their former partner speaks about them in a way that’s respectful both in front of the kids and about them. And I think that’s a great indicator of how your relationship is, is when both partners feel that their respected spouse and co-parent is still speaking of them kindly and fondly and most importantly respectful in front of the kids because that really does set the tone for how the kids are going to show up with each parent.
Rick: And sometimes that is challenging too because if you feel like you’ve been done wrong by your ex, it’s really hard for many people to find that heartfelt sense of love and compassion and gratitude and speak kindly to the ex because they’re still carrying around so many – so much pain really from the hurt that they might have gone through.
Evan: And anybody that has had children or has kids knows that they’re all sponges. They pick up everything even if we’re not speaking directly to our partner. We got the bad vibe. They’re going to pick it up and they’re going to know what’s going on and it will show up in their behavior as well.
Rick: It’s incredible how intuitive they are. How old are your kids now?
Evan: 18 and 16.
Rick: Wow! That’s fantastic. I know them when they were just babies. I think we got a caller, Michael, don’t we on the line right now?
Michael: Michael Garfield here in the studio wrapping up. We got about five, six, four minutes and I’m going to give you the phone number here for Divorce Talk Radio. It’s 713-212-5950. This is kind of the theme that we got going, if you could say anything on anything, almost anything, that you wanted to to your ex, what would it be? Remember, the FCC is listening.
Jill? Jill, good morning. We welcome you to the program.
Michael: Hi. How are you?
Jill: I’m great. How are you too?
Rick: Hey, Jill. This is Rick. And I’ve got Evan Daily with me today. How is your day going this morning?
Jill: It’s going amazing. It’s good staying dry.
Rick: Good. Well, thanks for listening to the show. How long have you been divorced from you ex?
Jill: I would say three years now.
Rick: Three years. So if you could say anything to him, what would you want to tell him?
Jill: I want to say that I wish he would be not as selfish as he was or maybe he still is. I don’t know. I just wish he wasn’t as selfish, very selfish.
Rick: So try this. Just visualize that he’s sort of our in front of you but maybe there’s a big piece of acrylic glass between you so that nothing can happen. So if he’s there right now in first person, what would just want to rattle off to him?
Jill: You know what really, really helped is in our past and in our future, four year [0:46:17] [Indiscernible] is that you think about the other person and not just yourself and maybe that’s for you and you don’t realize it but I really think – I just wish he would be so selfish. It’s kind of hard to talk about it now. So that’s putting what I would say.
Evan: You said it is kind of hard for you to talk about it still.
Jill: Yeah it is. It’s because I mean that’s the one thing that I’ve realized that [0:46:49] [Indiscernible].
Evan: Yeah. And I’m wondering if there’s a story that you made up about you because you are selfish. Was there something underneath that behavior that created some kind of belief or message about what he was really saying to you when he being selfish?
Jill: Well, three years later, I realized that maybe I did create my own story because I allowed his behavior to affect me.
Evan: What’s the story that you created, Jill?
Jill: That I’m the victim and I deserve to be treated better and why would he do that and poor me, poor me, poor me.
Jill: And actually kept quiet [0:47:33] [Indiscernible].
Rick: And how long did you carry that story around, Jill?
Jill: How long did I [Inaudible]?
Rick: Yeah, that story that I’m a victim and poor me.
Jill: I probably did that for the last three years of my marriage.
Evan: Yeah. And does it still show up in your life now? Are you in relationship? Have you been in relationship since then?
Jill: Relationship, just one.
Jill: It does come up, yeah. It’s like a past trigger.
Rick: Brene Brown who I adore. I know Evan, you love to read and watch Brene Brown in action. She has something that she calls an SFD. And I can’t use the …
Evan: F word.
Rick: I think one of those words is inappropriate for radio. But she calls is Sorry First Draft. And it sounds like that’s what you’ve been doing, Jill, is you created an SFD, a bad first draft for yourself around this story. And the beauty is that just your acknowledging it and your awareness of it is going to allow you to basically rewrite the script and tweak it and create more of a final draft that you can be happy with.
So, where are you moving to now from that kind of self-victimized place? Where are the gifts for you in all of this now?
Jill: Well, actually experiencing it, a lot of self-reflection, and realizing that his actions have absolutely nothing to do with me and I am responsible for my feeling. So I realized also that that is a story that I created and only I have the power to change it. So …
Evan: So, what might be something that you could imagine him having said or saying to you now that would help wipe the slate clean for you especially around this piece of feeling …
Evan: Yeah. And exactly what were the words be?
Jill: You know what? I’m sorry I hurt you.
Evan: And anything about you in particular in terms of who you are, your value, your worth.
Jill: Yeah. I’m sorry and you deserve better. You’re worthy.
Evan: Yeah. How does that feel to say that?
Jill: It’s awesome because I am worthy.
Evan: Yeah. Yup.
Rick: You definitely are worthy. And I could just tell your boys are worthy of having you too as a very committed and fantastic mom.
Jill, I really want to thank you for calling in this morning and listening to our show and sharing your story. Really, really appreciate it.
Jill: Absolutely. Thank you for taking the call.
Rick: You bet. So Evan, what’s our big learning from today?
Evan: How much we are wired for the need for affirmation for a sense of self-worth in terms of our relationships and connections with particular his children. I would imagine that a lot of these tracks that some of these people are carrying will lay down. As kids, we all get them.
Rick: For sure.
Evan: And how much of our work as adults to feed those places in us that are still hungry for those messages and ideas ourselves and to not put it on our partners, not to project on to them a lot of these wounds that we come into relationships with that we all have.
Rick: It sounds so easy to do but it’s so hard at the end of the day to not take things personally.
Rick: Because that’s so much of what it is. Our partners, they show up as they show up. It’s part of what attracted us to them in the first place. But then for some reason because of how we’re wired, I want to start taking it personally thinking that they’re attacking me and really, if I can really flush things out with just my friends or partners that I sort of judge who are doing that, I find that 99.99% of the time it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Evan: Yeah, it’s my own story.
Rick: Exactly. It’s my SFD, my kind of Sorry First Draft. So this has been so much fun, Evan, having you on the show. Next time you’re back in Houston, will you come back in?
Michael: I think we just go to Jackson Hole, Wyoming because that’s much better than coming here to Houston. Evan, nice meeting you. You did really a good job. And Rick, as always another one in the can. Congratulations on a great radio show.
Rick: Thanks buddy.
Michael: Divorce Talk Radio with Rick Goldberg. Don’t forget every Sunday morning from 8:00 to 9:00 o’clock if you’d love to get your opinion in. And yes, we actually are in a few seconds daily s so if do you really want to cast out your ex, we can work with that, 713-212-5950. Thank you all for tuning in.
Rick: We really appreciate. And you know if you’ve got things to say, just go out into the wind and shout it out and get it out of your body. I think you’ll feel a lot better having done it.
Michael: I’ll shout this out right now. The show is over!
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